In one of my previous newsletters, I wrote about how just because you remove something from your life doesn’t mean you’ve built the skill to overcome it.

Even though I took time off, it didn’t necessarily mean I had built the skills to be on social media again, or to speak on a podcast, or to _____________ again.

This is exactly why I started The Creator Journal: to document my lessons and share my journey as I rebuild my skills and approach social media and business differently than before.

In today’s email, I’ll be sharing the real story about why I’ve been afraid to appear on people’s podcasts and what I learned from doing my first podcast interview last week.

(Yes, I finally did the damn thing!!!!)

A story I’ve haven’t told anyone…

Last week, I did my first podcast interview since returning from my sabbatical.

It was with Jenna Kutcher for The Goal Digger podcast, and our episode airs next month in September!

Her team contacted me two weeks ago to ask if I’d be available for an interview the following week.

As someone who religiously listened to The Goal Digger podcast during my 9-5 days, it was a no-brainer yes!

Immediately after I accepted, the nerves started to kick in so bad that I almost considered backing out.

The truth is, I have a lot of residual trauma due to a negative experience I had as a guest on someone else’s podcast.

It was in 2022, and a previous mentor of mine wanted me to be on his podcast.

Up until then, I was accustomed to podcast hosts sending me questions in advance, or at least giving me an idea of what they wanted our conversation to touch on.

For his new podcast, he wanted it to be organic, so he didn’t send me any information beforehand, which I respected.

He started the interview with a simple, “What’s up?”

I told him I had just wrapped up my first mastermind event.

He asked a few more questions, and I continued to share more about how the event went, my excitement about it, and some of my learning lessons.

Eventually, the vibe felt awkward. He started looking at his phone and looking around the room.

Soon after, he stopped the interview and said,

“Do you even notice that you’re just talking to yourself? Have you noticed I’ve just been staring at my phone this time?”

My heart dropped right to my stomach.

He then asked his podcast producer, who was in the room, about his thoughts on the interview.

The podcast producer said the interview had been boring so far, and I was talking too much.

I was absolutely mortified. I felt so stupid, as if I had failed a test.

They decided not to continue the interview, and the episode never aired.

It was the first time in my career I hadn’t prepared for something and was told explicitly that I was not good enough. I never did a podcast interview again.

For a long time, I blamed myself:

“This is proof that you’re a fraud. You should stick to making YouTube videos where you can control the narrative.”

“See? Your stories are not interesting. You were not good enough to be on so-and-so’s podcast.”

“Everyone has been lying to you. He’s the only person that was honest enough to tell you the truth. You’re not as good as you think you are.”

This incident was particularly traumatizing for me because everything I’d ever done in my life always required extra effort.

For example:

• I studied 3x harder than my friends and paid extra for tutors to be good enough at school because I felt I was inherently not smart enough.
  

• I would spend weeks preparing out-of-the-box presentations for job interviews to stand out because I felt that my answers alone would not be intelligent enough.
  

• Even in my previous coaching programs, I only answered questions that were submitted in advance because I was always afraid that I wouldn’t know how to help someone on the spot.

The truth is, all my life, I never believed I was good enough as is.

And so when the podcast incident happened, it was evidence that my belief was true.

How could someone disappoint you?

To prepare for my podcast with Jenna, I opened up to a mentor of mine about my previous incident with being on a podcast.

I told him how deeply afraid I am of disappointing Jenna, the same way I disappointed my ex-mentor years ago.

I felt 100% responsible for delivering a good result and put immense pressure on myself to be perfect.

Then my mentor asked:

“Rather than thinking about how you could disappoint Jenna, have you ever asked how Jenna could disappoint you?”

To make things clear, I deeply respect Jenna Kutcher. I can now also attest that she’s as kind offline as online. She’s among the few people I felt safe enough to share my story.

But for the purpose of healing the traumatic experience of being rejected on a podcast, this reframe completely changed the way I saw the situation with my past mentor.

It made me realize that the success of a podcast is not 100% my responsibility.

In fact, I started to research more about what makes a good podcast.

Do you want to know what I learned?

I learned that a successful podcast is also up to the host.

Did the host research the guest well enough?

Do they listen? Do they ask great questions?

Do they make the guest feel comfortable enough to open up?

I even watched two podcast interviews Ariana Grande did.

One interview received a lot of negative feedback.

The other interview received a lot of positive feedback.

The difference wasn’t Ariana. The difference was the host.

One host brought out the best in Ariana with his banter and well-researched questions, while the other host didn’t seem to do much research and asked bad questions.

Ariana Grande was simply Ariana Grande!

She was already worthy, and her personality shined when she was around someone as talented as her.

This is when I started to see the podcast incident from 2022 in a whole different light.

It made me realize that it was equally my past mentor’s responsibility to set his guest up for success and, as a host, to be able to guide the conversation rather than humiliate his guest.

It then made me realize how unfair the situation was, how misunderstood I felt, and how much shame I had carried as a result.

What can you learn from this story?

I have spent so much of my life feeling exhausted, carrying the weight and responsibility of others, bending and breaking myself to perfection so I’d never be a disappointment.

Yet, I had never stopped to set a standard for how I wanted to be treated.

For instance:

Have you ever asked yourself how a client could disappoint you? Could they show up to a coaching call completely unprepared? Could they not follow through on what was agreed upon?

What are your standards for a good client?

Have you ever asked yourself how a conference host could disappoint you? Could they not introduce you to the other speakers? Could they not help you prepare for your presentation?

What are your standards for a good event?

Or have you ever asked yourself whether a mentor could disappoint you? Could they not hold space for you? Could they break your trust?

What are your standards for a good mentor?

For some, this may be a no-brainer.

But for others who have carried the weight of responsibility all their lives to the point of overwork and burnout because they fear disappointing others, this reframe can set you free.

As a result of this simple reframe, I did what was within my control to prepare for my interview with Jenna on The Goal Digger podcast:

I deeply reflected on my experience, wrote a list of lessons I’ve learned about myself, life, and business, said them out loud, and made sure I got enough sleep.

At the same time, I also stopped putting the world's weight on my shoulders to ensure perfection, and I trusted that Jenna would also have the skillset of an experienced podcast host to create an epic conversation (she did).

I stopped mulling over whether I’d be good enough, and trusted that I am.

I also trusted that Jenna would be equally good enough to hold the space because, at the end of the day, this was a shared responsibility, not my responsibility.

🗒 An exercise for you: Who are your Creative Monsters?

No matter our walks of life, audience size, or experience, I feel that we’ve all gone through an injury that made us question our worth and made us feel unsafe to express ourselves.

If this is you, I want to share an exercise I did from The Artists Way, a book I’ve been reading, that helped me heal the past wounds that kept me small.

It’s an exercise that asks you to think about three specific incidents in your life (from childhood to now) that made you doubt your self-worth:

In case you’re curious, my 3 monsters were:

• Creative Monster #1: Kristina from 5th grade who made fun of a bag that I brought to dance class. I thought the bag was stylish and was excited to debut it, but she told everyone it was ugly. I was humiliated, and it was my first incident as a child that made me feel insecure about my taste.
  

• Creative Monster #2: Two extremely well-known gurus in the space who made me feel unseen when I met them in real life. They presented themselves as approachable online but were cold and unwelcoming to me in person. This incident made me feel like I needed to make more money to be worthy of people’s time.
  

• Creative Monster #3: My ex-mentor, whom I admired, making me feel like I was not good enough for his podcast. This incident made me doubt my abilities and was evidence that showing up as you are is not good enough. Or even worse, showing up as you are gets you punished.

I chose to expand on the podcast incident with my past mentor. It wasn’t until I wrote about the experience, pen to paper, in my journal that I finally realized how significant this experience was.

I then wrote a “To whom it may concern” letter explaining my side of the story. I wrote about all the ways I felt misunderstood and the many ways I didn’t feel set up for success.

It was my first time actually processing the incident and the first time I created space for myself to feel heard.

This exercise helped unblock many of the doubts I’ve carried for months. It helped me understand what happened, examine it differently, and finally heal.

Try The Creative Monsters exercise for yourself, and let me know how it goes!

Better yet, read The Artist’s Way if you feel called to — it’s been an incredible resource for me since coming back from my sabbatical 🙂 

Thank you for reading!

There’s no YouTube video this week, but here’s a photo of my favorite thing I did over the weekend:

My pets LOVE sleeping on our balcony during the summer, so Leon and I decided to set up a tent with air mattresses to sleep outside with them overnight. It was so fun 🤣

If you don’t know already, 12,000 of you are reading The Creator Journal right now, and I’ve never felt safer sharing my stories with a group of people.

I’m so grateful for every email you opened and every Creative Journal screenshot you’ve shared on your IG stories. It warms my heart to know you’ve enjoyed my emails enough to share with your IG peeps and to tag me (@vanessalau.co) to let me know!

If there’s anything I want you to walk away with from reading this week’s email:

You are powerful beyond measure.

Stop shrinking yourself to fit spaces that can’t even hold your power.

Instead, find spaces with people who are just as powerful as you.

Until the next one, live life fearlessly,

Vanessa :)

PS: I read as many email responses as I can! If you want to share your thoughts about this week’s newsletter, reply to this email. It’s my love language! x